If your girlfriend happens to learn that you've spent an evening at Oh La La! - a new club scheduled to open in mid-September in place of the botched Teatralnaya Kvartira strip joint - you might have to prepare yourself for packing your toothbrush and moving out. That's because you don't go to such places "by accident," while just "passing by." While your little fib may mollify your own conscience, any woman who enters the domain of this new club will immediately know that men very rarely just happen to wander into such decadent, sexy places without prior intention. She'll smell it in the air.

That guy who's always showing up in the emergency room late at night with a kosher salami up his butt fails while trying the same approach: "I must have sat on it by accident, doc," he'll explain. But nobody is listening. Oh La La! is the latest brainchild of Jean-Michel, the man who has brought Moscow some of its craziest entertainment venues, including the Hungry Duck (which he moved on from long ago), Karma Bar and Safari Lodge, a restaurant/strip club that offers a combination of homey, relaxed atmosphere and wild, uninhibited sensuality.

But Jean-Michel is determined to break his own record, making the new venue more decadent and tantalizing than anything he has done to date, he said. And as any entertainment-business veteran will tell you, one of the most important elements in creating an atmosphere is interior design. At Oh La La!, the walls are decorated with sexy Helmut Newton photos of half-naked women, the walls are shades of deep blue, violet and red, and there are plenty of soft leather couches around for lounging with a new bud. The club features a separate dining area, a room for dancing and several "apartments" for private dining and relaxation.

To bring Moscow voyeurs the best in female eroticism, Jean-Michel has hired an in-house choreographer to put the new dancers through rigorous training. He promises Oh La La! will be literally overflowing with luscious girls, from the sensually grooving dancers to the all-female bar staff to just undressed and half-dressed temptresses milling around.
On the erotic menu will be food to quell the appetite, quench the thirst - and boost the libido. An "aphrodisiac" menu is currently in development, with lots of oysters mixed in for your potent pleasure. Naturally, the focus will be on the amorous side of French cuisine, and a master chef from France has already arrived in Moscow to start working on the specifics.

Instead of the usual cheesy music you hear at Moscow's erotic clubs, Jean-Michel pledges the vibe will be classy and unobtrusive. No '70s-style porn soundtracks at Oh La La! - just the tasteful, subtle throbbing of the newest deep and vocal house beats. And well-known international DJs will be brought in on occasion, especially for the special parties in the works. And you needn't worry about unsavory elements at this place. Entrance will be a tightly organized mix of club cards, plus strict face control and a 400-ruble cover for those without cards.

Once inside, according to Jean-Michel, the prices will be "average" for an erotic venue: $50 for a private dance, for example, and an average of $30-$50 for a full aphrodisiac dinner. All this adds up to a new breed of erotic entertainment - not that your wife or girlfriend will understand the subtle difference. What does she care if it's classier, more luxurious, really just the tasteful removal of needless clothing, a higher form of nighttime enjoyment? It's all the same to her, so be careful - or be ready for a trip to the doghouse.