Dear Love Doctor,

I recently went through a serious relationship crisis. Knowing how well you know the ins and outs of love, I turned to LifeStyle’s pages hoping I could find an answer in your column – but you were nowhere to be seen! What happened?

Wherefore Art Thou, O Love Doctor?

I do apologize for the absence. But I would like to say that it was not at all my own decision – rather, LifeStyle's illustrious editorial board decided that my space be temporarily taken over by Glasha Vetrova, our flirtatious and ever-man-hunting high-society vixen. And who am I to argue with giving such a hot little number as Glasha more coverage? Many's the time the old LD has taken a cold shower after checking her out in a two-piece… Anyway, I at first felt uneasy about leaving my readers without a dose of the Love Doctor's patented eros injections to spice up their winin', dinin' and romancin', but then decided to take a break – which I spent in classic style in Thailand picking up a few new tricks of the love trade. But don't worry – I'm back, and my gift of love is just going to keep on giving.
And, oh, I do hope things worked out for you, and that your mattress springs and headboard are once again getting a good workout.

Dear Love Doctor,

I’ve got a serious problem. I’m a young woman who’s been seeing a nice guy for about a year now. Up until now, he’s been great – but I recently introduced him to a friend of mine on a visit from England. He’s been making eyes at her from the start, and the other day, while he was drunk, he even proposed a threesome! I’m worried because I know my friend Emily is into that kind of thing, and we even tried it once in university. I like this guy a lot, and I don’t want to share him even for one night. Please tell me, what should I do?

Not After Three-Way Boinking

Dear prospective boinkee, my first reaction after I read your letter was – what are you waiting for?!? Go out there and get it on! Rrowr! Oh, the heaving bosoms, the sighs, the soft feel of flesh on flesh… (Sorry, it's been a while – two days and counting!)
Then, I reconsidered. I am the Love Doctor, after all, not the Screw Up a Person’s Life Doctor. Here’s what I really think: Look, you want a serious, one-on-one relationship with this guy, right? He clearly doesn’t want one with you (unless it was just the alcohol talking – double-check that one, OK?). Why are you with him? You should dump the guy cold. While I’m at it, does this little Emily filly know about your beau’s amorous aspirations? If she does, then I hope she knows you’d be against it, but if she doesn’t and is still up for a little three-way fun, my question to you is, what are you doing hanging around this person? Sheesh, the letters I get...